Will Twilight Ever End???

Here I am sitting, Superbowl Sunday, and while everyone is waiting for the "Big Game", everybody seems to be more focused on another thing. Saturday's release of Breaking Dawn Part 1 on DVD. I saw this one on theaters (went to accompany my girlfriend) and I must say that I found it rather... BORING!!!!!! There is absolutely nothing that can justify the whole "make a two hour movie which consist of three thing: Wedding, honeymoon and pregnancy.

The whole thing was a mess. I am not a fan of Twilight but at least the other 3 movies have something to keep us men entertained... well, at least for a little while. Lets start off with the wedding. The wedding was bland, stupid and a real snore-fest. She took 3 minutes to actually walk down the isle, completely emotionless of course, and once she got to Edward, no smile. Actually, when she sees Jacob after the wedding, she gets more excited than actually getting married. Um, I'm lost here. Didn't she just marry the "love of her life" without showing any type of emotion, but when you see the guy you have no feelings for whatsoever, you get more excited. Oh, wait... I forgot. This is Bella we are talking about. What else would you expect from her.. Little side-note here, Edward and his family seem to still be suffering from Vampiritis Skinatis, that rare disease that only the Cullen family seems to have where they look like vampires but are not.

Now the honeymoon. The ONLY REASON why everybody went to see this crap. Edward shows his true colors and comes out of the closet. I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!!!! The actually end up having sex (I guess a flaccid, wet spaghetti, ice cold melding Popsicle does it for her). Who knew right... Wait, its illogical Twilight. He ends up breaking the bed while having sex and this is where every girl in the theater went "YEAH!!! I want him so bad!!!". This is what this generation of girls want, an emo-ish, asshole that gets all disco in the sunlight. So, since Edward hurt her while having sex, he decides to never do her again even thought she dresses all sexy for him. HE IS GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To the point that she forces him to have sex. The next morning she starts feeling sick and when Edward gives her her bag, she finally realizes the most obvious thing. She is pregnant!!! Her smarty pants brain goes to "that's impossible". Uh, no, it's not impossible when you have sex with someone without protection to get pregnant. But to be fair, I didn't think it was possible considering that a vampire is just a body that is walking around without any blood in their system which would mean that nothing should work and before you say "that's why they drink blood", I don't recall a hospital ever saying "you need a blood transfusion, so you need to drink this blood to get it in your system". You mean to tell me that vampires have been around for centuries and not one girl has gotten pregnant??? What about Edwards exes??? Is this written in the handbook they give you once you become a vampire??? Could this get any stupider... Illogical Twilight, to the rescue!!!

Now Bella being pregnant gives us a chance to see her blow up like a balloon. The only problem with this is that the next 45 minutes were so bad that I do not remember absolutely anything. All I remember is that Bella becomes stupider, Alice shows what a fraud she is (if she could always see Bella's future, how come she didn't see her getting pregnant), Edward finally realizes that Bella loves Jacob but don't tell that to the Twilighters and the constant fighting of calling the "thing" a baby or a fetus. I'm sorry, I cannot get around the fact that Edward can produce sperm , let alone the fact that she is pregnant by a thing. Bella says she is strong enough to have the baby that maybe will kill her. Oh yes, this is coming from a girl that get Edward and Jacob to fight her fights while she is cowering away in a corner. This is your role model for this generation, ladies and gentlemen. After that we get a crappy CGI confrontation of Jacob and the leader of the pack and I was laughing my ass of at how stupid it looked. We get more blah blah blah about the fetus and this goes on for 45 MINUTES!!! Oh and Bella looking for excuses to rub up on Jacob and her drinking blood slushies and getting all excited while drinking it. How is it that Jacob and drinking blood get her all sexually excited and the "love of her life" doesn't???

The last half hour of the movie is the whole giving birth, Bella dying and the turning into a vampire. This is the scene I was excited about. Let me explain, this is the scene that they said would be all gross and nasty. Bloody and gruesome. This scene disappointed me so much that I could actually her that people that made this movie laughing because they played us all. You could see more blood from a paper cut than this movie. So Bella dies, Edward injects her with his venom (Sherlock Holmes here does it after she's dead, the moron) and then partakes in a Bella buffet, biting every little part of her body, which is more action she's gotten out of the whole marriage. Since the baby is alive, this brings the obligatory Twilight fight scene at the end and it is the weakest, most rushed thing ever.

Jacob decided he want to kill the baby but when the baby looks at him, we get treated to the most pedo moment ever. He goes into a monologue about what imprinting feels like. This part made me feel sick and dirty, like a I needed to take a bath or something. The power of imprinting is so much for Jacob he kneels behind Rose, who has no idea he's behind her, let alone in the same room. Then comes the fight, which is a minute long. You mean to tell me that Bella walking down the isle took longer than the actual fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S BULLSHIT!!! That was the big payoff you were looking for, movie??? And then you treat us to watching Bella get all dressed up and watching the venom take effect, curing her every wound??? Then they show us flashbacks of the previous movies, you know, just in case you feel asleep during any of the movies and that makes Bella come back. Wait, they played the whole thing of as if it was her life that flashed before her eyes... Um, she has been dead for hours!!! you can't suddenly say "Oh, she wasn't really dead... Her heart was just beating so slowly that nobody knew she was alive". THEN HOW COME CARLISLE COULD HEAR HER HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!!!! Why was Edward giving her CPR??? Why did Jacob give her mouth to mouth... Well, we know the answer to that one. And then they end up on her opening her eyes and showing her blood red pupils. Oh and let's not forget that once you become a vampire, you suddenly gain the power to have makeup appear out of thin air on your face. It's as if there is a list of power you gain and that one of them. This is the big cliffhanger they leave us on. BIG SHOCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a worse cliffhanger than "Will you marry me?". There is also a scene during the credits but really don't care for it.

As you may see, there is little talk about Jacob and that is because he actually wears clothes on this one. Sure they have the mandatory shirtless scene at the beginning but that's about it. This is the most illogical movie in the whole series but what can you expect when their fan base are little girls that can't grasp the whole concept of vampires and werewolves. Fortunately, the series is almost over and with only one movie left, this means that at least one of my trips to the movies will be to please somebody and not because I want to. There is just one thing I wanna say but I think a very intelligent AND logical person said it.