Smurf You!!!!

As of this writing, I've been dragged to see The Smurfs three times and I've got to say that I've never felt my IQ drop while watching a movie. Seriously, after the second time I watched it, I literally felt physically ill. I felt light-headed and I wanted to vomit. The first time I saw it English and I think I laughed once, the second and third time, we had to watch it in Spanish and the movie was translated word for word. Same bad joke, same bad lines and the Scottish Smurf didn't even have an accent in the Spanish version. This movie is a smurfing piece of smurf.

Before actually speaking about the Smurfs, lets talk about the human character. First of all, a big sign of this movie being lazy is that Neil Patrick Harris' character is actually named Patrick. I know the script is written before even thinking about actors, but really??? Secondly, whenever Patrick was interacting with his girlfriend Grace, played by Jayma Mays (which she is one of the only 2 good actors in this), not only does it feel forced, but it feels awkward. Even the interaction with the Smurfs looks awkward. I know that the don't exist and they are not there but when you look at other movies, they don't look that awkward. That's it for actual human "character" that matter, Patrick's boss is really there just to make sure you know how much pressure Patrick is under, Grace's character was great and that's about it. It's all about the Smurfs.

The other human character is Gargamel and since he doesn't go anywhere without Azrael, I am going to talk about them as a pair. I do need to point out that Azrael is smarter than Gargamel, good thing Gargamel is the actual wizard of the two. Hank Azaria does a great Gargamel but the script make whatever he said look bad. First of all, how is it that he has had Azrael for years and never knew he was a boy??? It's not until Azrael has his balls on his face that he figures it out. Gargamel is out to capture the Smurfs but there is a part on the movie that he seems to forget about them, oh, and during that part, we get to see him make and old woman, young again. And this comes with perking up her boobs and ass, you know, a kids movie. And Azrael is really annoying. He doesn't talk or even sound like a cat, he sound as if you stepped on his tail prior to making a sound.

As I am sitting thinking here trying to talk about these characters, not much is popping up in my head, at least nothing that would be worthy of a mention. So let's get to the main event, the smurfing Smurfs... Damn it, wrote that and my mind is now stuck playing the damn song. I have a couple of issues with the Smurfs here since I grew up watching the original cartoons, so let's get to it.

The Smurfs starts off showing us two Smurfs, whom we never get to see again, on birds taking smurfberries to the smurf village for the blue moon festival. Get used to it because we are using the word "smurf" a lot from here on out. Out comes Clumsy Smurf from his mushroom to go help out with the harvest but along the way he trips and, surprisingly, doesn't mess anything up. This bring us to what is to be considered a "joke", the first "joke" to be exact. "What do you get when you mix a cow and a Smurf??? Blue cheese." I was laughing so hard at that... Yeah, not really. The first thought in my mind after that "joke" was "please, kill yourself". After that is all downhill. he brings Gargamel to the village by mistake, they escape, Clumsy goes the wrong way because the idiot did not read the DO NOT part of the "Do Not Go This Way" sign because it was covered with two vines and they go through a portal that takes them to Central Park in New York. Why not leave the smurfing idiot go the wrong way and let him die??? No Clumsy Smurf equals less accidents, less times that Gargamel can find the Smurfs, oh, and making sure Papa Smurf visions of Clumsy ruining everything and getting the Smurfs captured doesn't come true.

You know, this could be the most potty mouthed kids movie I have ever seen. Well, it could have been. "Where the smurf are we?", "Smurf it", "Where the smurf are you?", "Smurf yourself a grin", and many, MANY more. I was trying to explain the movie to my cousin and as I was about to tell her that they got to New York, I said " the got to smurf".Every other thing out of their mouth is "smurf" and there comes a time that you honestly have no smurfing idea what the smurf they are saying. And they rip-off so many things from Braveheart's "Freedom" scream to taking "Cowabunga" and putting a freaking smurf on it (Smufabunga). I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. And so many references that just not apply here and seem very out of place. Smurfette at one point goes "I kissed a Smurf and I liked it". I know she is voiced by Katy Perry, but when you think about it, she's referencing her song "I kissed a girl and I liked it" where it's a girl on girl kiss. You know, for kids.

Speaking of Smurfette, we got her back-story in two sentences.Turns out she was created by Gargamel. I'm lost... If Gargamel can create Smurfs then why does he want to capture Smurfs when he can create them??? And how does that work exactly??? Acording to Smurfette, the Smurfs are dropped from storks. How are the made??? No smufing idea. All the Smurfs are male so that must mean one of two thing. These are the rejected rats that evolved into blue things or they are on a prisoner camp for guy Smurfs. In that case then how do they know what Smurfette is and what to do with her??? Clearly they know considering how they slobber when she's around and when Papa Smurf tells them to hang on to something when they are riding on top of the cab, Grouchy immediately grabs her and when she tells him "Not to me" he tells her "Oh, did I do that?". Yes, that is a Familly Matters reference. Speaking of Papa, him and Smurfette seem to be a little to close, if you know what I mean. Maybe he's keeping her all to himself and that's where Smurfs come from... Maybe that why every other Smurf seems horny, which would be a little weird considering that they are names by their personality... Seriously, there HAS to be a Perverted Smurf, Horny Smurf, and Gay Smurf... Oh, they have Vanity Smurf.

Oh shit... I mean, oh smurf, I just realized that the second time I saw the movie, I must have blacked-out because I don't remember watching a part of the movie. Meh, nothing as important, just the part where Papa Smurf tells Patrick to sit on his lap. Get this, Patrick finds information about the Smurfs using Google and all it shows is that they are mythical creature, but later in the movie, the Smurfs find a book about the story of the Smurfs. This book shows the comic strips and the creator for The Smurfs and here is where you can throw whatever logic this movie has, if it ever had logic. There is a book that clearly states that there is a comic strip, so it stands to reason to think that there was a cartoon, right??? OK, having gone through that, I wonder, how is it that there were comic strips and cartoons about the smurfing Smurfs and Google and Patrick have no smurfing idea what the smurf they are???

Between all the inappropriate use on the word "smurf" and the annoyance that they call "jokes", there really isn't anything worthwhile in this movie. Oh, and this movie has the biggest butchering of Aerosmith's Walk This Way, with the Smurf making a rap that I couldn't understand what they were saying and they incorporates the famous "La la la-la-la-la" to it. Why is it that it sold more than Cowboys and Aliens??? Because as long as there is a kids movie playing that weekend, it will drag parents and brothers and sisters to see the kids movie, even if they really want to see the other one. I haven't seen a good review of The Smurfs from critics anywhere. I guess I am done smurfing around, so remember NOT to smurf yourself, unless you feel like your IQ is a little to high and want to knock down some point of it.