A girl named Bella comes to live with her father. Why??? Fuck if i know. Enter long haired, girly looking, soon to be shirtless, man...er, boy-wolf named Jacob. The point of having him in this movie??? Set him up for future sequels, love triangles and sex appeal. BTW don't love triangles usually have 3 people, where the girl is interested in both guys??? A vampire and a werewolf fighting for an emotionless girl, that time and time again will pick the vampire over the wolf because she's not in love with him, does not make it a love triangle??? But that's another time, another movie. She goes to school and becomes friends with a group of people that make fun of her. Again, why??? She sees this group of albino, mafioso type people and ask who are they. Gee, I don't know, They are all brothers and sister, not by blood, but because they were adopted and what a coincidence that they all have pale skin. Did they adopt them from the pale-only orphanage? So the outcast of the group, or more or less the leader, comes in last and all alone with him sad face (boo hoo). She looks at him and goes Paris Hilton on his ass and goes "That's hot".
As it turns out, she has biology with none other than the pale looking, saddy-sad guy. While she walks in front of the fan, pouty face guy, named Edward, starts making faces. I don't know, maybe she farted or something. Oh and what odds, the only seat available is next to him. Joy for Bella and her crush on a boy that she just found out existed. So after an awkward couple of minutes of him making faces and staring creepily (apparently classes last 15 minutes or so) he decides to leave and goes to the Principal's office to complaint and change classes because he cannot tolerate that there is someone in his class that shows no emotion, smells bad and it's paler than him. So he disappears for the rest of the week and comes back Monday. First thing he says is hello and apologizes, but when he asks about the weather, that's when it gets weirder. She says "any cold, wet thing, i don't really like". Well I guess that's it for sex with a vampire. Really impressive how being in love with a vampire makes her change her mind about cold, wet things, considering he's always cold. This is the point where she explains why she moved to Forks with her dad, but again, who cares???
Ooh, she's going to smile... nope. False alarm, people. Here comes the parking scene, where the parking lot is full of people, but not one soul manages to see pouting man basically run like Flash, get in front of Bella and stop a friggin' car with his hand. Really??? He stands up and goes away, but not before giving her a "your soul now belongs to me" look, and nobody seems to care much for him. It's like he does it on a constant basis. "Oh shit, he did it again". And guess what??? The doctor is from the pale orphanage too. Maybe that's the trend in Forks. Now a non-important road trip to learn about flowers, fun. Back on the cafeteria, Bella talks to Mr. moody Edward and asks him if he wants to go to the beach and he says no because its too crowded, but not before doing the all important recreation of the book cover, you know, just in case you have no fucking idea what book are they doing. It's only the first movie and its called Twilight, I wonder if that means they did a Star Wars and began with the last book. So yeah, there are 3 cars at the beach, so very crowded. Ah, here comes man-boy again to tell her an old scary story. "I'm a wolf, he's a vampire and we made a deal not to fuck with one another". Ooh, I'm so scared. I've heard scarier stories in cartoons. Pale emo guy takes Bella to eat, and yes, its just her eating because he's on a special diet and that he feels very protective of her. He seems like a psycho, yet she still wants him and he tells her he can read cat's minds. He speaks meowish now? You don't need to read a cat's mind to know it wants Meow Mix.
Let's skip ahead to her looking for info on vampires just because he has cold skin. Her and Edward decide to go into a forest where she finally reveals that she knows what he is. FUCK NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Anybody in their right mind can tell he's a friggin' vampire. Once she is through playing whatever guessing game show she has going on in her head and tells him he's a vampire, what does he do??? Takes her up a mountain, on his back, doing his Speedy Gonzalez impersonation and shows her what sunlight does to him. Everybody knows vampires burst, melt and burn in sunlight, but noooooo. Mr. Throw-logic-down-the-toilet goes into the sunlight and glows. GLOWS. She says he looks beautiful and he glows like diamonds. I got an idea. Why not put him under direct sunlight, cut off his skin while it is still like diamonds and sell it??? That way you get money and you get rid of a murderer!!!! He tells her "I've killed people and i wanted to kill you. I've never wanted human blood so bad". Her response???? "That's cool" Whats with this same-face, emotionless, I-don't-care-about-my-life girl??? I guess she likes cold, wet things now.
Off to meet the Edward's mob...i mean, family. We have "the mother" Esme, "the father" Carlisle (the pale doctor), The "I-know-the-future" Alice, the "I-always-look-constipated" Jasper (the one with the "Yum, food" look on his face), the "bitchy" Rosalie and the "jocky-jock" Emmet. After that, Edward shows off his amazing Spider-man powers, then a lot of boring stuff.
Ooh, sex scene. Bella wants his cold, wet thing in her. YEAH!!!!!!! Wait... He denied sex??? He's gay, I knew it..."I can't lose control with you", yeah, because getting married and having sex with her and after turning her into a vampire, they realize that they can have sex all the time without getting tired, isn't losing control. Mr. Durfinsmurf.
Edwards takes Bella to play baseball with his family. He says that it's the only time they can play because there is a thunderstorm coming. Um, WHY??? Why do they need to play baseball only when there is a thunderstorm??? The damn field looks deserted. Is it because of the sound??? The bat doesn't sound that loud and besides, if they were actually playing with their super-powers, don't you think the bat will break??? But its all ok because the Black Eyed Peas decide to end the game early and from the looks of it, they are magicians. As you can plainly see, they turn an ordinary baseball into a crystal ball or a Christmas tree ornament. That means that the next 30 minutes of the movie will be spent protecting sweet, precious Bella.
Finally, they go to prom, where nobody seems to care for the cast she has on her leg. She tells him that she wants to become a vampire, but he declines. They dance, they kiss and then he teases her pretending that he's going to bite her. After that, we come to the best part of the whole movie, watching the credits roll while Linkin Park's Leave Out All The Rest and Paramore's Decode play. The book must have more info but what's the point when the movie was illogical and dull. I must give thanks to Anime Dreamer for the info she has given me to use in this. The worst part of it all is that there are still 4 more movies after this one and each one has the same levels of stupidity and idiotic brain twisting (not the good kind). I can actually feel my I.Q. points die as I watch these things. So much for short and sweet.
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